Mental Health Meditations

Anxiety in Children and Teens

6/30/2021

We’ve been talking a lot lately about anxiety...a really worthwhile topic considering that it is the #1 mental health concern facing our society. What about children and teens though? How does anxiety show up for them? In many ways, it looks the same as adults. But in other ways, especially for our youngest ones, it can look really different. Anxiety has the potential to affect every part of a young person’s life, including their physical health, emotional well-being, education, and social skill development. With kids, when we notice new or concerning behaviors, we often think of it as a “phase” or something that they will “grow out of”. However, with anxiety, it doesn’t just go away, but rather, patterns tend to become more deeply entrenched. Also, because anxiety looks different for kids, many are misdiagnosed as having ADHD, oppositional behaviors, or other behavioral concerns.

Most mental health concerns develop to some extent prior to age 25, and early identification and treatment makes a significant difference. Knowing what to look for is important!

Here are a few common signs of anxiety in kids and teens:

Excessive fears or worries; vigilance or wariness in the absence of real danger.
Stomachaches, headaches or other aches and pains (Kids tend to feel anxiety in their bodies!)

Appearing dependent, withdrawn, or uneasy in social settings; possibly trying to avoid social activities altogether.
Difficulty concentrating
Changes in overall sleep patterns. (sleeping too much or too little, resistance to going to bed or sleeping alone, excessive nightmares.)
Changes in appetite patterns or eating habits.
Low energy, or being too “revved up”.
Fidgetiness, constantly moving or being unable to sit still.
Frequent tantrums or meltdowns; Irritability.
Excessive clinginess or difficulty with separation.
Regression in previously mastered behaviors (ex: toileting)
Inflexibility, or having to have things a “certain” way.
Excessive reassurance seeking from adults.

Of course, some degree of anxiety is normal, but you may want to consider reaching out for support if your child or teen’s anxiety is at the point where it is interfering with their day to day life (or that of your family) in a significant way.

While it may seem frightening, anxiety is highly treatable with the right support in place. As I teach my young clients, we first have to “Name It to Tame It”. Identifying anxiety for what it is, is the most important first step. Once this happens, you are empowered to take the needed steps to help your child or teen overcome their anxiety.

To close, I offer you a prayer written by Christie Thomas from the website Little Shoots, Deep Roots, based on Psalm 118:6-7, “The Lord is with me; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me? The Lord is with me; he is my helper.”

“Thank you God that you are with me. Help me not to be afraid. I know that my worries can’t hurt me because you are with me, and you are my helper. In Jesus’ name, Amen.”

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Loving Someone with Anxiety

6/14/2021

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In our world today it seems like the concept of having anxiety has reached epic proportions. There are varying degrees of anxiety with some people experiencing anxiety occasionally in response to a stressful situation while others live with crippling anxiety that keeps them from their daily lives - and there is a whole spectrum in between. While we don’t all qualify for a diagnosis of an anxiety disorder, we have all experienced anxiety to some degree in our existence as humans. According to the Anxiety and Depression Association of America and the National Institute of Mental Health, anxiety disorders have become the most common mental health disorder in America, affecting over 40 million Americans. With numbers like that it is very likely that we all know or even love someone who is struggling with anxiety if we are not struggling with it ourselves.

If you do not qualify for a diagnosis of an anxiety disorder or do not significantly struggle with anxiety it can be hard to understand what those who do are going through. You may be going through your day without a care in the world and suddenly receive a phone call from a loved one in complete panic mode. Sometimes the things that send people into a panic can be bewildering to someone who is not experiencing it. Your first impulse may be to say, “Calm down” or “It is not that bad” or “Just relax” or even “What is the matter with you? What are you so worried about?” While all these things may be true and logical, they are not helpful for the person who is experiencing them.

One thing to remember about anxiety is that it is not rational, and most of the time the person knows that what they are feeling is not rational but that does not change the fact that they are still feeling it. Trying to force someone who is not feeling rational to be rational doesn’t work. Instead try being supportive by saying things like, “I’m here for you”, “This is going to pass”, or simply allowing them to be without saying anything. When someone is worrying about something irrational you can remind them to breathe or ask them if they would like to go and do something with you to take their mind off of it. One of the best things that you can do is to ask in a more rational moment (not in the middle of peak anxiety) how you can be most helpful to them when they are in a peak moment of anxiety. Simply being there and offering a calm presence can help someone through very dark moments.

One thing to remember about loved ones with anxiety is that they really do care deeply or else they would not be anxious. You must care about something to be nervous about it or about losing it. Glennon Doyle says that, “anxiety is just love holding its breath”, meaning that someone with anxiety loves so deeply and intensely that the thought of losing that (which is a very real possibility at any moment) sends them into a panic. Anxiety is not always something to be working against. We can embrace our loved ones who struggle with it knowing that they care deeply and intensely even at their own expense.

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Mindful Christianity

6/6/2021

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A popular buzzword in mental health, and throughout many aspects of our society these days is mindfulness. Mindfulness is an umbrella term for different practices and techniques of deliberately focusing your attention on the present, and not letting yourself be distracted by overwhelming thoughts, sensations, or emotions. In other words, mindfulness helps clear the “noise” from your mind so that you can be intentional about thoughtfully responding to feelings or events that you are experiencing versus simply reacting to them. Mindfulness is characterized by the use of different techniques in which you pay attention to thoughts, feelings, and sensations in that moment — without judging yourself on whether they’re good or bad. Mindfulness is increasingly being used in different approaches to counseling and psychotherapy. It’s also showing up more often in schools and with employers as a tool to assist with stress reduction. When I first heard about mindfulness though, I really didn’t understand what it was all about, and felt pretty confused by it.

One of the things that I have heard quite a bit over the years from Christians about mindfulness is concern about its roots in Eastern traditions. People also tend to think that mindfulness is restricted to practices such as meditation or yoga. Folks have often wondered if and how these practices align with a Christian faith? These are important questions! Like many things, mindfulness can be approached in a completely self-serving way (Ex-“I just want to feel good, escape reality, etc”). More and more though, many Christians and faith-based counselors are using mindfulness in a Christ-integrated way. After all, Jesus himself modeled the importance of regularly spending time in solitude (“And in the morning, a great while before day, he rose and went out to a lonely place, and there he prayed.” -Mark 1:35).

Mindfulness through a Christian lens is the awareness that God is always present. It’s up to us to be intentional to tune in and seek connection with Him though. We can do this in a number of ways: slowing down to notice the wonder of creation, the sounds of laughter or beautiful music; savoring the taste and smell of good food; noticing and appreciating how your body feels when it is well rested and relaxed; centering your thoughts through prayer; practicing gratitude throughout the day by acknowledging that all that we are given in each moment is from God.
When it comes to holy self-care and mental health, mindfulness practices can be another tool that God has provided for our healing and growth. It is up to you, of course, to decide if and how mindfulness fits with your faith. No matter what we name it, the important thing is to seek ways to create space in our lives to care for ourselves as God would have us to, which will allow us to hear Him speaking to us more clearly.

“Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.” -Romans 12:2

“Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.”   -Philippians 4:8

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When Someone You Love is Struggling

5/26/2021

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It can be so hard to know what to do when someone you love is going through a tough time. We all go through things, so you would think that we would all know just what to say, right? Yeah, but we don’t. Each person has different struggles, and what may be a severe challenge for one person may not be much of a struggle for someone else. Also, we all come with our own personalities, baggage, and God-given gifts making our experiences so different. Even if we are experiencing the same type of hardship we may go through it completely differently. This is okay and even good, but it also makes things harder when we try to help each other. Sometimes we have really good intentions in the things that we say, but they turn out to be unhelpful or even hurtful to someone who is raw with emotional pain. When we are in tender places, an ill-timed comment that may be given with the best of intentions can still cause intense pain. How can we help people when they are struggling like this?

The Bible has a lot to say about struggle. In John 16:33 Jesus says, “In this world you will have troubles.” (emphasis mine) We know that we will go through hard times, but what do we do when the people we love the most are going through things that we just cannot understand? How can we help them?

One person I love to look to for direction on hard times in Job. He had it pretty darn rough, and what he goes through with his friends is a perfect example of what to do and what not to do when someone you love is struggling. Job’s 3 friends first try to find a reason for everything happening to him, and the conclusion they come to is blame. In keeping with popular philosophy at that time they believed that Job must have done something wrong to deserve all this, and if he would just figure out the awful sin he was committing, then bad stuff would stop happening to him.

Blame is an easy trap to fall in because this gives us a degree of control in an uncontrollable situation. If we can be good enough, we will escape those bad things. Or, if the person we love can just figure out what is wrong and fix it then they don’t have to suffer anymore. It sounds pretty good and easy, but as we know, life does not really work that way. Job is adamant that he has not committed any sins, and getting this blame from his friends just makes him feel worse. Though I am sure his friends had the best intentions, they were not helpful to Job at all, and even made the situation more traumatic for him. When a loved one struggles it can be tempting to tell them exactly what you think they should do, but this is not always the best approach to the situation.

Here are some practical ways to help those who are struggling:

Be a shoulder to cry on. Offer presence not words meaning that your just being there with them is more powerful than anything you can say.
Respect their space if they don’t want you around, but don’t take it personally. If a person going through a hard time lashes out at you don’t let it get you down because it is most likely not even about you at all. Simply respect their space and be available for when they do want you around because people often do come around in time.
Listen listen listen!!! There is nothing more important than listening. Ask questions about their experience. Comment sparingly and only with the intention of showing them that you are listening not with the intention to speak.
Remember that this is not about you. You cannot make it better, and you cannot change God’s work. If you feel compelled to share your own experience, make sure to ask permission to do so first. Sometimes people want to hear these things and it is helpful, but other times people just want to be listened to and supported. You cannot fix their problem, so don’t try to.
Avoid toxic positivity. I could write (and probably will write) a whole article on toxic positivity. This is when you refuse to acknowledge that what the person is going through is negative and try to force a positive perspective on them. Instead acknowledge that what they are going through is hard without trying to put a positive spin on it. It may feel uncomfortable but trying to force it into a positive space can unintentionally make the other person feel ashamed for not being positive enough.
Remember to trust God with your loved one’s situation. Prayer is powerful and praying for your loved one is the most important thing that you can do. God has this even if we do not understand it.

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Experiencing Anxiety as a Christian

5/5/2021

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“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus” (Philippians 4:6-7).
In the mental health field, we work with a host of issues and concerns. But the topic that is the most pervasive and that is interwoven into so many other concerns that we encounter, is anxiety. According to the National Institute of Mental Health, anxiety is the number one mental health concern among women in the US, and it is the second most common for men, behind substance use. It is also the number one most prevalent issue for kids and teens, with approximately 1 out of every 3 teens meeting criteria for an anxiety disorder at some point before they turn 18. “Anxiety” is an umbrella term that covers a number of different mental health conditions. For our purposes here however, I am not referring to specific diagnostic categories such as obsessive compulsive disorder(OCD), post traumatic stress disorder(PTSD), or specific phobias, as these conditions have differing underlying causes, and need very specific treatments to manage. Rather, I am talking about generalized anxiety, which is a pattern of excessive and pervasive worry that tends to affect many aspects of one’s life. There is no doubt, anxiety can be isolating, debilitating and scary. Anxiety has a complex set of contributing factors, including genetics, brain chemistry, personality and life events. And, it isn’t your fault.
As Christians, we may wonder...where is God in my anxiety? Unfortunately, there tend to be a lot of myths about what it means to be a Christian and experience anxiety. Here are a couple that you may recognize: “If I’m a Christian and I trust God, I shouldn’t feel anxious”, or “If my faith was stronger, I wouldn’t struggle with this so much.” These myths can lead to feelings of shame and guilt that may actually perpetuate the anxiety that many already feel. In his book, Anxious for Nothing, Max Lucado says “Anxiety is not a sin; it is an emotion (so don’t be anxious about feeling anxious!)”
Anxiety is a normal human experience, and believe it or not, it stems from a wonderful part of God’s design for us as people. Humans have a hard wired response to danger, which we call the stress response, or “fight, flight or freeze”. This is a wonderful and important protection! Trust me...if you are in the midst of a real danger, such as smelling smoke at the same time that you hear a fire alarm or walking upon a rattlesnake, you will be thankful for this gift of fear, because it will enable you to take the needed steps to keep yourself safe. The tricky part comes though, when our mind starts confusing real danger for perceived danger. Perceived dangers, or false fears, take different forms for all of us. It can look like ruminating (or getting “stuck”) overthinking situations; difficulty making decisions or over-researching things to make sure you know “all the facts” or to “get it right”; seeking excessive reassurance; wanting to socialize, participate in some activity, or move toward a goal, but finding it all too easy to justify reasons that you can’t or shouldn’t go places to do the things that you really want to; being overly negative, rigid, or critical (of both yourself and others); tending to assume or focus on the worst case scenario; or simply finding it hard to enjoy life or laugh as much as you perhaps once did.
Anxiety itself is normal and unavoidable. There is no way to completely rid ourselves of it. However, we do not have to be held captive by it. If any of this resonates with you, I would like to both encourage you and challenge you to consider a shift in how you think about what it means to be a Christian and experience anxiety.
1. You are not alone. The statistics tell us this! There is freedom in shifting our perspective from being ashamed of our mental health struggles to seeing them as a normal part of being alive. The discomfort of talking about our experiences can open the door for sharing and create a community of support.
2. “Be Still and Know” (Psalm 46:10). To ‘Be still’ means to rest in God’s presence. Prioritize time with Him and listen to what your body and mind need. Prayer, rest, exercise, a good sleep routine, healthy nutrition, nature, etc. are critical in fighting these battles.
3. Practice gratitude and service to others. The more we focus on the gifts and blessings in our life, and shift our focus outward rather than inward, the less space there is to fixate on our worries and difficulties. These practices can provide us with a renewed sense of purpose, use of our time, and connection with others.
4. Lean into the anxious or uncomfortable feelings and sensations that you experience, rather than trying to avoid them. The more that you do this, the more you will be able to tolerate them (Think about getting into a pool that is a little on the chilly side...the more we gradually immerse ourselves, the less uncomfortable it feels). Think about how you are currently handling anxious thoughts/feelings/situations and ask yourself, “Are my current responses moving me closer to the person that I want to be, or further away from it?”
5. The fact that there are so many references to anxiety and worry in the Bible tell us that this has been a human struggle throughout history. Take some time to find the scriptures that speak most to you. Post them in prominent places so that you are continually reminded of these truths. Memorize them and use them as a mantra to get through moments of overwhelm or panic.
6. Finally, seek an integrated model of care. Because there are so many contributing factors, it makes sense to address anxiety from different angles. Seek consultation with your doctor, a mental health professional, and a pastor or spiritual mentor. Anxiety is highly treatable, but like most things, the sooner you seek treatment, the better the outcomes generally will be.

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Holy Self-Care

4/21/2021

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It seems like everyone is talking about self-care these days, and with good reason. Self-care is a very important part of our daily lives. It is so important, in fact, that as a mental health counselor I am actually ethically bound to participate in self-care so that I can provide the best possible care to my clients. People list their self-care rituals as anything from binging on Netflix to bubble baths to mani-pedi’s.

Much of what is described as self-care today is more about self-indulgence than self-care. Self-indulgence is not a completely negative thing and can be a very positive thing when placed within certain boundaries. There is a place for self-indulgence within our self-care, but self-indulgence only gets us so far. Self-care goes much deeper than simple indulgence; it is about taking care of your needs whether they be physical, emotional, mental, or spiritual. This may seem simple, but in our fast-paced and complex world it can be very difficult to meet or even acknowledge or even understand the needs that you have.

Self-care may involve telling yourself no when you want to have chocolate cake for breakfast or skip it altogether, and instead nourishing your body with something that has protein and vitamins in it because you have a long day ahead of you and you need to be prepared for it. It may look like taking a lunch break sitting outside instead of cramming a sandwich in your mouth as you move on to the next task. Self-care could also involve checking in with yourself during the day for just a few minutes to take stock of how you are feeling in that moment and meeting any needs that arise. It can also be about turning off the TV or the phone and getting the sleep that you need or taking the time to spend on the phone or TV so that you can wind down at the end of the day. This will look different for everyone and even be different in different moments for everyone, so there is no right or wrong way to do it.

With so much information flooding us about self-care these days it is important to look at what God says about it. How can we care for ourselves in a way that is pleasing to God? In Romans 12:1-2 Paul says, “I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship. Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.” By caring for ourselves and striving to be the best version of who God created us to be whether in mind, body, or spirit, we are presenting a worthy sacrifice to God as a form of worship. This verse seems to say that we should not only care for our bodies, but also our minds and spirits in order to present ourselves to God in a worthy manner. It seems that caring for ourselves the way that God would have us to involves nourishing all parts of us in both mundane and completely transformative ways. This could look like: eating regular meals that are (mostly) healthy for us, moving our bodies, spending time in community with friends or family, spending time in prayer, reading the Bible, and even taking some time for self-indulgence. This is a very simple list that is merely a springboard for all the possibilities that your self-care can look like as a Christian. All of these things can be both mundane and transformative.

For those of us who have difficulty carving out time for self-care I urge you to start small. Start with a short check-in with yourself for just a few moments where you acknowledge your feelings, or do a body scan where you turn your attention to each part of your body individually and notice if there is any pain or tension. If you are continuing to struggle or notice that you are not able to handle the stress on your own, you may need to seek help from a professional like a doctor, chiropractor, massage therapist, or mental health counselor. Whatever it looks like for you, I hope that you treat yourself well and seek out help where you need it so that you can present yourself as a beautiful living sacrifice to the Lord each day. I wish you peace and love in your self-care journey.

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Finding a Mental Health Provider...Where to Start

3/31/2021

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Proverbs 15:22 says, “Without consultation, plans are frustrated, but with many counselors they succeed.”

It has always been important to care for our mental health. But, the impact of the pandemic has brought this issue to the forefront for many of us. Sometimes we just need more help. Perhaps you are at a point where you recognize this and would like to explore how you can support your mental health in a more formal way? Taking the step to reach out is extremely brave, but it can also be incredibly overwhelming, and even scary. This post includes some information that will hopefully guide you as you consider your next steps.

The mental health world can be very confusing! Knowing some common terms and how to navigate things will help you feel more at ease and empowered as you consider options.

There are several different types of providers:

Psychiatrists are medical doctors who specialize in treating mental health concerns. Psychiatrists can prescribe medication. Psychiatric Nurse Practitioners can also do this, as can family doctors (primary care physicians). However, many family doctors will only prescribe certain types of medication that are more commonly used. Most will want to refer you to a psychiatrist if things are more complicated or if it is not clear what type of medication would be most helpful to you.
Psychologists also diagnose and treat mental health issues, but they do not prescribe medicine. Psychologists are trained in administering a wide range of tests to help clarify diagnoses or determine the best type of treatment. Psychologists also do therapy, most often talk therapy.
Therapists, or counselors--I tend to use the terms interchangeably--require masters degrees and special licensing to practice in the mental health field. Therapists provide diagnosis and treatment. Therapists can have several different degrees and credentials. Some of the most common are LCSWs (Licensed Clinical Social Workers), LMHCs (Licensed Mental Health Counselors), and LMFTs (Licensed Marriage and Family Therapists). While some therapists treat a wide range of issues, most have some area(s) of specialization such as working with kids, couples, trauma, anxiety, behavioral problems, grief, substance abuse, etc.

You may be asking, “So how do I know what kind of provider I need?” There isn’t any one “right” answer. The best thing to do is to start with the issue you want to address and go from there. There are several ways to research providers that can help. One of the best is word of mouth. Ask around and see who is recommended! You can also consult your primary care provider, school counselor, or pastor. There are several different websites that you can search by clinical issue. Two of these are www.psychologytoday.com and www.goodtherapy.org. Different considerations such as age and experience level of the provider, gender, location, insurance networks, and therapeutic approach are important.

Look at profiles, check websites, and narrow it down to a few choices that appeal to you. Most providers offer a brief consultation at no cost so you can try to determine if they would be a good fit for what you are seeking. Ask questions that matter to you during this time. If you are seeking a provider who offers Christian counseling, or who can integrate your faith into the work that you are doing, this is a great time to explore what this would look like.

At its heart, counseling is about creating a safe, trusted relationship between you (or your child) and your counselor, so the single biggest predictor of whether a therapeutic experience is going to be successful or not is the quality of the relationship between therapist and client. At the end of the day, finding the right provider for your needs may take more than one try. While this can be frustrating, don’t give up on the process! Your health and well being are too important.

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Marriage in the Time of COVID - Part 2

3/18/2021

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Marriage is a big topic that deserves to get a lot of attention, and as the saga of COVID-19 plugs on marriages are still in trouble. In this article I would like to focus on a different aspect of marriage…fighting. Though this topic is unpleasant to talk about it is a normal part of every marriage. Yes, fighting is completely normal and healthy when kept within certain boundaries. Though this part of marriage is not pleasant, it is necessary.

Fighting provides a necessary release of emotion that often gets bottled up in our society. With emotions running higher than ever due to COVID that release of emotion is even more necessary than usual. In therapy I always tell my couples that I worry more about couples that don’t fight than couples that do. This is because fighting not only releases emotion but can be a major catalyst for communication if handled properly. Also, fighting indicates that there is some baseline of caring there. After all, you don’t fight with someone that you don’t care about.

As I referenced earlier, fighting must be kept within certain boundaries in order to be healthy. There are several fair fighting rules out there that can be helpful with this. Here are some fair fighting rules from the famous marriage therapists, the Gottmans.
No name calling

No interrupting
No blaming or accusations
No cussing
No yelling
No sarcasm
No Defensiveness
No generalizations (you always or you never)
No physical or emotional intimidating gestures/violence/threats.
No walking out without naming a time for follow up

These are not hard and fast rules. I would encourage you to change and adapt them to your unique situation. For example, some of us use sarcasm as a second language and it is not as offensive to us, but insults are out of the question. I encourage you to talk to your partner and figure out your own unique boundaries that will help you fight in a healthier way. It will never be a fun or pleasant thing, but fighting leads us to stronger relationships.

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Parenting in the Time of COVID-19

3/2/2021

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In the last post, Meagan gave us a terrific piece about the impact of the pandemic on many marriages, with some practical advice about how we can strengthen our relationships during this time. In considering the whole family, I wanted to follow up on that and talk about parenting in the time of COVID. As we know, we have been experiencing this different way of life for about a year now. While there are some encouraging signs that we may soon start getting back to a little more normalcy, it is likely that we are just scratching the surface of understanding the impact that the pandemic has had on our children.

Predictability is a stabilizing force for kids and teens. The uncertainty of the pandemic has altered our ability as parents to provide this in many ways. Circumstances have changed over and over again, and it has been hard to settle into any kind of routine. The isolation from peers and family, uncertainty, missed milestones, loss of activities, as well as anxiety about health have taken its toll. For some young people, the pandemic may have exacerbated mental health needs that were already present. For others, especially those with social anxiety, being at home and online schooling may be a temporary relief to their anxiety, but this is not a long-term solution and may result in increased difficulty as they return to school and other aspects of life.

Here are a few ways that we can support our kids and teens as we continue to navigate the pandemic, and as we look ahead to getting back to a more familiar way of life.

Try to keep routines at home. We can’t control that routines outside of our homes have altered, but we can keep family life as predictable as possible. Try to keep wake, sleep and meal times consistent. Don’t make drastic changes to rules and expectations just because you are home more. Some flexibility is certainly good--just try to avoid big changes from what your “normal” would look like. Habits that may seem harmless or easier right now may prove difficult to break later.
Look for little moments to connect with your kids throughout daily routines. This could mean taking 5 more minutes at bedtime to read with your child, rub their back, or just talk. Institute a family devotion or prayer time at the start or at the end of the day. Or, try to eat meals together as much as possible. This is a powerful way of connecting as a family. Magic happens around the dinner table!
Get outside as much as possible. Research has shown over and over again that time spent in nature has multiple benefits to our children’s mental health and overall development.
Try not to stress too much about school performance this year. Set your child up to be as successful as possible with whatever school model they are in. But if they are struggling, recognize that it is a very different year and they are likely doing the best that they can. Encourage them to do their best, stay in communication with their teachers, but try not to worry too much about the actual grades. If your child feels discouraged by lower than normal grades, encourage them to consider the other ways in which they are learning and growing as a person this year, such as developing perseverance and flexibility. Let them know how these things will serve them in their future.
If your child is anxious about returning to school or other activities, it is to be somewhat expected, especially for our littlest ones, and our kids with social anxiety. Encourage your child to talk about the specific things that are on their mind. Validate their feelings and address their worries truthfully, but support them in facing these things. The longer that kids stay out of familiar routines, the more difficult it may be for them to re-engage. Here is a social story for our youngest ones, written by Dr. Emily King (a Raleigh child psychologist), to help support children as they return to school: https://www.parentingonyourownpath.com/product-page/free-safely-back-to-school. There are also some wonderful books for older kids that address this kind of worry. One of my favorites is The Invisible String, by Patrice Karst.
Make your own self care and mental health a priority. This type of modeling is so important for your children to see! When we take care of ourselves and manage our own stressors in a healthy way, we are caring for our kids in turn.
As always, don’t hesitate to reach out to a mental health professional to explore ways to support your child that are specific to your unique situation.

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Marriage in the Time of COVID-19

2/17/2021

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One disturbing trend that I have seen in my practice since the advent of the COVID-19 virus is
the explosion of the need for marriage counseling. I have had so many new clients as well as
former clients contact me for help with struggling marriages, and I know from talking to
colleagues that I am not alone. According to the New York Post, divorce rates have been spiking
since April 2020, which is just one month after many states started lockdown protocols. The
data showed that 31 percent of couples admitted that irreparable damage had been done to
their relationship during lockdowns. The combination of spending more time together,
increased anxiety, deaths of loved ones, homeschooling children, working from home,
unemployment, and financial strain along with a myriad of other things has put couples in a
very difficult position.

Though COVID may not be responsible for all the problems couples have faced, it certainly has
exacerbated things. With the added strain marriages are crumbling like never before. Previous
separate routines may have masked existing problems that forced lockdowns brought to light.
COVID may not cause breakups, but it is more of a catalyst for break ups that may have
happened anyway. Even couples who were stronger before the pandemic and did not make
major shifts in their family roles have still been susceptible because coping skills that were used
previously have been taken away such as going out with friends, playing sports, or just spending
time alone.

It is important to find ways to spend quality time together and not just a large quantity of time.
It is also important to spend time apart and engaging in self-care. You might feel comfortable
going out to restaurants for dates, but if you don’t there are still fun things that you can do at
home or at a safe distance. Here are some ways to combat the stress that the pandemic could
be placing on your marriage:

Go for a picnic when the weather permits (I know it has not been great lately!) Pack a picnic basket at home or pick up some food from your favorite restaurant, grab a picnic blanket and go find a pretty spot to share a nice meal together. I came across this girl and had to share her page: https://www.facebook.com/Mels-Premium-Picnics-114286277090388/. She sets up romantic picnics for people at different spots around town. It is an amazing idea!
Do an at home date night kit. There are many places online that you can find interesting things to do for date nights that can be delivered right to your door. Here are just a few that I have found, but a simple Google search can turn up many.
- https://datenightinbox.com/
- https://cratedwithlove.com/
- https://www.huntakiller.com/
- https://thehappily.co/
A more budget friendly option might be to cook a meal together, have a screen free night, read a book or devotional together and discuss it, work on a craft or household project together, or go for a walk together.
Find ways to spend time apart. This is equally as important as spending time together, so don’t neglect this one. You may need to call or Face Time a friend in your car, go for a hike or a walk in the park, or get involved in an online class. It may help to find your own space in your house that you can go to when things get tense. You might even personalize this space so that it feels comforting to you.

Remember to give each other grace and try to have empathy for one another.

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