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Mental Health Meditations

Timely articles on mental health issues and spirituality

When Someone You Love is Struggling

5/26/2021

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It can be so hard to know what to do when someone you love is going through a tough time. We all go through things, so you would think that we would all know just what to say, right? Yeah, but we don’t. Each person has different struggles, and what may be a severe challenge for one person may not be much of a struggle for someone else. Also, we all come with our own personalities, baggage, and God-given gifts making our experiences so different. Even if we are experiencing the same type of hardship we may go through it completely differently. This is okay and even good, but it also makes things harder when we try to help each other. Sometimes we have really good intentions in the things that we say, but they turn out to be unhelpful or even hurtful to someone who is raw with emotional pain. When we are in tender places, an ill-timed comment that may be given with the best of intentions can still cause intense pain. How can we help people when they are struggling like this?  

The Bible has a lot to say about struggle. In John 16:33 Jesus says, “In this world you will have troubles.” (emphasis mine) We know that we will go through hard times, but what do we do when the people we love the most are going through things that we just cannot understand? How can we help them? 

One person I love to look to for direction on hard times in Job. He had it pretty darn rough, and what he goes through with his friends is a perfect example of what to do and what not to do when someone you love is struggling. Job’s 3 friends first try to find a reason for everything happening to him, and the conclusion they come to is blame. In keeping with popular philosophy at that time they believed that Job must have done something wrong to deserve all this, and if he would just figure out the awful sin he was committing, then bad stuff would stop happening to him. 

Blame is an easy trap to fall in because this gives us a degree of control in an uncontrollable situation. If we can be good enough, we will escape those bad things. Or, if the person we love can just figure out what is wrong and fix it then they don’t have to suffer anymore. It sounds pretty good and easy, but as we know, life does not really work that way. Job is adamant that he has not committed any sins, and getting this blame from his friends just makes him feel worse. Though I am sure his friends had the best intentions, they were not helpful to Job at all, and even made the situation more traumatic for him. When a loved one struggles it can be tempting to tell them exactly what you think they should do, but this is not always the best approach to the situation.

Here are some practical ways to help those who are struggling:
  • Be a shoulder to cry on. Offer presence not words meaning that your just being there with them is more powerful than anything you can say.
  • Respect their space if they don’t want you around, but don’t take it personally. If a person going through a hard time lashes out at you don’t let it get you down because it is most likely not even about you at all. Simply respect their space and be available for when they do want you around because people often do come around in time.
  • Listen listen listen!!! There is nothing more important than listening. Ask questions about their experience. Comment sparingly and only with the intention of showing them that you are listening not with the intention to speak. 
  • Remember that this is not about you. You cannot make it better, and you cannot change God’s work. If you feel compelled to share your own experience, make sure to ask permission to do so first. Sometimes people want to hear these things and it is helpful, but other times people just want to be listened to and supported. You cannot fix their problem, so don’t try to.
  • Avoid toxic positivity. I could write (and probably will write) a whole article on toxic positivity.  This is when you refuse to acknowledge that what the person is going through is negative and try to force a positive perspective on them. Instead acknowledge that what they are going through is hard without trying to put a positive spin on it. It may feel uncomfortable but trying to force it into a positive space can unintentionally make the other person feel ashamed for not being positive enough.
  • Remember to trust God with your loved one’s situation. Prayer is powerful and praying for your loved one is the most important thing that you can do. God has this even if we do not understand it.
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Experiencing Anxiety as a Christian

5/5/2021

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“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus” (Philippians 4:6-7).
In the mental health field, we work with a host of issues and concerns. But the topic that is the most pervasive and that is interwoven into so many other concerns that we encounter, is anxiety. According to the National Institute of Mental Health, anxiety is the number one mental health concern among women in the US, and it is the second most common for men, behind substance use. It is also the number one most prevalent issue for kids and teens, with approximately 1 out of every 3 teens meeting criteria for an anxiety disorder at some point before they turn 18. “Anxiety” is an umbrella term that covers a number of different mental health conditions. For our purposes here however, I am not referring to specific diagnostic categories such as obsessive compulsive disorder(OCD), post traumatic stress disorder(PTSD), or specific phobias, as these conditions have differing underlying causes, and need very specific treatments to manage. Rather, I am talking about generalized anxiety, which is a pattern of excessive and pervasive worry that tends to affect many aspects of one’s life. There is no doubt, anxiety can be isolating, debilitating and scary. Anxiety has a complex set of contributing factors, including genetics, brain chemistry, personality and life events. And, it isn’t your fault. 
As Christians, we may wonder...where is God in my anxiety? Unfortunately, there tend to be a lot of myths about what it means to be a Christian and experience anxiety. Here are a couple that you may recognize: “If I’m a Christian and I trust God, I shouldn’t feel anxious”, or “If my faith was stronger, I wouldn’t struggle with this so much.” These myths can lead to feelings of shame and guilt that may actually perpetuate the anxiety that many already feel. In his book, Anxious for Nothing, Max Lucado says “Anxiety is not a sin; it is an emotion (so don’t be anxious about feeling anxious!)”
Anxiety is a normal human experience, and believe it or not, it stems from a wonderful part of God’s design for us as people. Humans have a hard wired response to danger, which we call the stress response, or “fight, flight or freeze”. This is a wonderful and important protection! Trust me...if you are in the midst of a real danger, such as smelling smoke at the same time that you hear a fire alarm or walking upon a rattlesnake, you will be thankful for this gift of fear, because it will enable you to take the needed steps to keep yourself safe. The tricky part comes though, when our mind starts confusing real danger for perceived danger. Perceived dangers, or false fears, take different forms for all of us. It can look like ruminating (or getting “stuck”) overthinking situations; difficulty making decisions or over-researching things to make sure you know “all the facts” or to “get it right”; seeking excessive reassurance; wanting to socialize, participate in some activity, or move toward a goal, but finding it all too easy to justify reasons that you can’t or shouldn’t go places to do the things that you really want to; being overly negative, rigid, or critical (of both yourself and others); tending to assume or focus on the worst case scenario; or simply finding it hard to enjoy life or laugh as much as you perhaps once did.
Anxiety itself is normal and unavoidable. There is no way to completely rid ourselves of it. However, we do not have to be held captive by it. If any of this resonates with you, I would like to both encourage you and challenge you to consider a shift in how you think about what it means to be a Christian and experience anxiety. 
1. You are not alone. The statistics tell us this! There is freedom in shifting our perspective from being ashamed of our mental health struggles to seeing them as a normal part of being alive. The discomfort of talking about our experiences can open the door for sharing and create a community of support.
2. “Be Still and Know” (Psalm 46:10). To ‘Be still’ means to rest in God’s presence. Prioritize time with Him and listen to what your body and mind need. Prayer, rest, exercise, a good sleep routine, healthy nutrition, nature, etc. are critical in fighting these battles.
3. Practice gratitude and service to others. The more we focus on the gifts and blessings in our life, and shift our focus outward rather than inward, the less space there is to fixate on our worries and difficulties. These practices can provide us with a renewed sense of purpose, use of our time, and connection with others. 
4. Lean into the anxious or uncomfortable feelings and sensations that you experience, rather than trying to avoid them. The more that you do this, the more you will be able to tolerate them (Think about getting into a pool that is a little on the chilly side...the more we gradually immerse ourselves, the less uncomfortable it feels). Think about how you are currently handling anxious thoughts/feelings/situations and ask yourself, “Are my current responses moving me closer to the person that I want to be, or further away from it?” 
5. The fact that there are so many references to anxiety and worry in the Bible tell us that this has been a human struggle throughout history. Take some time to find the scriptures that speak most to you. Post them in prominent places so that you are continually reminded of these truths. Memorize them and use them as a mantra to get through moments of overwhelm or panic.
6. Finally, seek an integrated model of care. Because there are so many contributing factors, it makes sense to address anxiety from different angles. Seek consultation with your doctor, a mental health professional, and a pastor or spiritual mentor. Anxiety is highly treatable, but like most things, the sooner you seek treatment, the better the outcomes generally will be. 

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    Authors

    Laura Dempsey is a licensed social worker and therapist with nearly 20 years of experience counseling children and families.

    Dr. Meagan Jones is a licensed clinical mental health counselor focusing on a wide range of issues, including trauma and family counseling.

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  • Home
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